Funny Quotes

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

Making love begins from the outside in. Being in love begins from the inside out.

Making love begins from the outside in. Being in love begins from the inside out.

They are not evil people that are good at Foosball. They are good at Foosball because they are evil. It's an evil game that brings out the worst in us.

That dude was hardcore racist, like 1800's Disney-style!

Its January 31st 2012, and it is 60 degrees in the City of Chicago, but that's not global warming, nah. The religious folk say that God is just opening his arms and giving the world a big hug today.

When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

“It’s one of those things where I’m not quite sure what I’m here for, but I’m excited about it,”

Knowledge is measured by degrees of ignorance.

Never the pimp, always the hoe

Pre Adult Teenagers can prematurely age adults.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

I'm too old for this shit.

In the UK alone, more people die every year from prostate cancer than being savaged by a polar bear.

Couple quick ground rules: Please, don't jump off the bus. Weird. Not fun for anybody. Also, no throwing objects at pedestrians. Unless, of course, they deserve it, okay?

me - "What makes you smile" Joaquin - "my friends"
me - "What kind of friends?" Joaquin - "good friends"
me - "What kind of good friends?" Joaquin - "Idk good friends"
me - "ok.. what kind??" Joaquin - "Stop making me think! I Want to sleep!!"

The only difference between Swill and Swell is one letter.